We can all agree that some topics are hard to talk about. Miscarriage isn’t something that is talked about very often, but it’s the reason why I wrote this one. Years ago a friend shared about her own experience with miscarriage and the pain, loss, and heartbreak resonated with me.

Sam and I always knew that we wanted to have kids. We had celebrated our 11th anniversary in August of 2020 and we decided to start trying. A few months passed with no signs of success, but my OBGYN mentioned that it could take some time. We were visiting family in Ohio in late March of 2021 and my period was a few days late. I took a pregnancy test - it happened to be my birthday - and it was positive. We stared down at the little blue lines in disbelief.

I woke up in the middle of the night on Wednesday, April 14, 2021 with intense abdominal cramping. After tossing and turning for an hour, I made my way to the bathroom and miscarried. I contacted my doctor’s office that morning and went in to get blood work done. The numbers came back early Friday morning and confirmed a sharp decline in my pregnancy hormones. I pulled myself together enough to teach my online music classes that day, but between classes I lost it. I felt like my body had failed me and my child.

I thought about this song a lot after miscarrying: “How could you stop my greatest achievement?” rang so true. I felt the cruelty of nature wash over me. It made me think of the people of Pompeii who couldn’t outrun such a powerful force of nature. I was angry and devastated that something so wonderful had been snatched away.

I talked with a counselor from the hospital and she encouraged me to open up about my experience. I shared the news of the miscarriage with friends and family and a lot of stories came out of the woodworks. I was shocked by the number of people who had experienced this same loss. The conversations that I had in the months after miscarrying helped me see a way out of the darkness. We decided to keep trying.

On April 14, 2022 we welcomed our son, Daniel Shay into the world. I’m still in awe of the cosmic redemption we were gifted with his arrival. It doesn’t lessen the pain or make me stop thinking about who our baby might have been, but I do feel lighter knowing that out of the ashes comes the greenest gifts of life.